Writing has been difficult to come by lately. Christmas and the weeks that followed felt like some sort of fast paced emotional roller coaster that everybody else was on but I found myself perpetually in slow motion-left on the platform. Lots of good things, spread here and there and a lot of things that still need processing.
Let’s try a list:
-found out my ‘father’ got married over Christmas. Maybe the 5th time is a charm. Another family to replace me, younger kids this time too.
-found out I can’t change my name, since there’s some fucking law against changing it twice. I think I’m still in shock & am beyond devastated. I have to go get a new Driver’s License and a passport with a name that brings me an intense amount of shame.
-been trying to sort out some long overdue monetary issues
-plans to go on a Cruise in May, thus the need for a passport
-Jak is back in graduate school & I’m itching to be done with my undergrad but that must wait
-Treatment has been on again/off again. It’s difficult when I feel so uncared for by my physician
-I got scabies.
-Our independent guard had their first performance, that’s all going quite well. Competitions start in 2 weeks.
-Got a new point & shoot camera that also takes great guard videos
-Made a list of clothes that need to be purchased or updated
-Plans to have some custom made shirts and perhaps a suit once post-op
-Had lots of conversations about my gender, but not with my therapist
-Talked with Dr. G on the phone, and have a tentative date for top surgery (double incision). May 10th, the day before Sam’s birthday.
-That date is 98 days away. The week after our cruise.
-The port-a-cath has to be removed (a big reason I’m really disappointed with my LLMD, they’re no longer caring for the port) at least a month prior to top surgery. That’s cutting it very close to when the guard season ends.
-Lots of preparations are in place for next fall, but the collaboration with the music arranger has been very frustrating. This is especially difficult since the staff I’m working with has such a clear idea of what we want. I know that there’s no way we could have ever been unclear. I have to admit, this has really made me concerned about being able to pull this show off. I hate that, since I know deep down that it’s a great concept and just perfect for us.
-Slowly starting to give a bit of my heart back to winterguard. But very much keeping it protected from my kids. It can be hard, Jak’s kids (which I used to teach, not my choice to leave) break my heart almost every time I see them. I miss being able to teach at a level where I’m understood and not made to feel too dedicated/crazy/emotional/deep/hard on them. I need a balance. If I’m teaching beginners, I can do it–I just need some advance kids to keep myself from imploding.
-I can throw again. But man, am I sore.
-Going to the orthopedist on Wednesday to see about my back. It’s always had issues, after an almost fatal car accident but is becoming much more difficult to ignore.
-I keep looking around at my life, wondering where my ‘real’ friends went. I’m so tired of having to do the reaching, just to find emptiness again. I don’t even understand what I did wrong. I did everything I knew to do. I’m sure she say things about me that she used to say about other who deserted her. I have never deserted her and I feel hurt that she made it seem like I did. My feelings didn’t seem to matter, I didn’t want to live enough for myself. Or something.
-Slow progress on the night terrors, but triggers are happening almost daily still. Panic attacks are common still. Doing my best.
-The dogs & bunny are doing well.
-Working on tattoo designs as a means of escape and being able to see forward. That’s a big source of comfort lately. I hope to find an artist so that I can really get started soon.
