No longer going to comment on the passage of time between postings, it’s redundant and the time in between is being used for processing all that’s swirling around in my head.
I’ve pulled a lot of boxes out of the back corners of my brain lately. These boxes that were packed hurriedly and pushed deeper into the darkness, over time they’ve accumulated dust & cobwebs from months/years of neglect. The past year has not been easy, hell, the past two years. And I’m just addressing the mental stuff–physically the last 5 years have been pure anguish. I am inclined to think that there’s no way I could have arrived where I am now without that anguish, with out working through the horrors of my own self. I’ve faced off with my own personal demons, monsters, & fears.
I have some where I need to go and I really need those that surround me to give me their full support-no matter where I’m going to end up. I wish I could say that I can do so without permission, but I can’t. As much as I want to do this alone, it effects much more than me and though I’ve learned that at times being selfish is important; I need to respect those who carry me. We’re just going to have to see where this road take me and it’s dark and scary but I need to go the direction that I see most fit for me.
I don’t feel at ease yet with the person I want to become or the labels that I apply to myself and in turn society will apply to me. I wish I was. But I feel at ease about something, some peace knowing that there’s an order to the events that must transpire. And that those events are to be respected and processed as each unveils itself.
I hope no matter what, I’ll still have those that I love behind me because my priority has always and will always be to be true to myself and also authentic with them.
