it’s christmas day, 4.45am, we need to be up in less than four hours to have brunch with my family. i’m not sleeping well and today i was supposed to start the third cycle of antibiotics, i forgot that and all of my other medications because well i just didn’t want to feel terrible on christmas this year. i realize the more i get older the less charm christmas really has on me personally. i enjoy the season, but i have the commercialism that is involved. i like the idea of a new beginning and a time to look back over the year…i think i need atleast a week to review a year, not just new years day. we were too caught up in making sure everybody else was taken care of that we really didn’t do anything for each other, and in so many ways that’s a gift in itself. i couldn’t ask for anybody else to share the holidays with and i’m so lucky to be able to have somebody so wonderful that they care for me all year around and that is perhaps the greatest gift of all. we’ll go out tomorrow to festivities and see friends and family, there will be gifts and great food. i hate that it takes a holiday to make people celebrate family, health, and giving. few people know that i am sick and those that do often discount how much it truly effects our lives daily or how much strain it puts on the both of us. it’s hard to put on a face for those people who treat me like i have a cold every time i see them, and the standard lies that i say to let them know that i’m perfectly fine. something about that discounts me as a human being as well, it’s scary how an illness can make a person become swept under the rug. this is something that i know won’t be changing, but i have to mention it because these people and their voices are what i hear on bad days and i wonder if they themselves are harder to deal with then a virus that’s slowly taking away my life. i’m not sure.

there’s plenty to be thankful for and so much has changed in the past year ( i think i will save that for new years). i start back on medicine on wednesday and this vacation is over, far too quickly. the trees will come down, the lights, the leftovers will be pushed aside, presents returned to stores and after christmas sales will be booming. it will all be over before it even began, maybe it’s all a dream and maybe those people that make me less of a person are just a part of that dream.

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